I knew that I have always been different. An outcast. An oddball. Someone that though tried hard, just didn’t seem to fit in. Normality and the title of ‘being normal’ (whatever that is supposed to mean) was something that I craved. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why I had to try so hard to act like other kids my age, how it didn’t just come naturally.
It wasn’t until a few months ago where I was diagnosed with autism, that the missing puzzle piece of why I am who I am, fell into place.
Last September, my mum bought me Grace Tame’s memoir, ‘The ninth life of a diamond miner’. I have always admired Grace and simply inhaled her book. She is such a graceful writer, and I ate up every single word on the pages in front of me. About halfway through the book, Grace dives into the details and traits of her experience and high-functioning autistic female. As I read her realisations of what she has now discovered to be autistic traits, it all sounded a little too familiar to me. I suppose I, like many people, including scientists themselves, had learnt very little about what autism looked like in women. I wrongly assumed that autism was the stereotypical hand flapping, body rocking, aggressive individuals. After a lot more reading, I was able to find more about women with autism and as I read their stories, I had never felt more seen. I asked my parents about the process in seeking a diagnosis and found out that they had actually speculated I was perhaps on the autism spectrum. Though, they told me that after inquiring with a few professionals that it was impossible. How could a smart, confident girl like me, who makes great eye contact and looks to be like every other neurotypical kid out there, be autistic? But I wasn’t satisfied with that answer and so we continued to speak to psychologists, psychiatrists, and neuropsychiatrists until we had an answer. And it turns out, after 17 years of not knowing, I do have autism. Thank you, Grace!
Reading Grace’s book in none other than my favourite place, the beach!
The lack of research in diagnosing women with autism is honestly disgusting. The ADOS test to diagnose you is actually designed for males, there is yet to be one diagnosed for women (and who said sexism didn’t exist). The autistic traits between men and women are marginally different. A big trait amongst autistic women is masking, where females watch how other neurotypical people interact and quite literally copy it to fit in. And as they become really good actors, spotting the difference between autistic and non-autistic women is near impossible. This is typically why so many women will go undiagnosed for nearly their entire lives.
Like I had previously mentioned, much of the research I had come across spoke extremely highly of autism. I only saw it in a positive light and thought it was my new superpower which would lead to years of healing and understanding of my past. And this is still my view. My family are also very supportive and ‘woke’ so I was not challenged in this viewpoint. However, the first time I heard a contrary opinion, happened to be right in the office where I was diagnosed.
The psychologist looked me in the eyes and told me that society does not accept people with autism. I immediately burst into tears. What she has just told me, was that society does not accept people like me.
Now let me please say that I am aware of my privilege as an intelligent, high-functioning person, and can most definitely see there is still a great deal of discrimination towards other autistic people. I am not saying that there are only positives and that it can heavily impact many individuals and families’ lives.
But what I am not okay with is being told by a professional that unfortunately just because of my incurable superpower (yes, I am going to keep calling it a superpower, because that is what it is for me), I am not going to be able to fit in and be accepted by my community and people as a whole. My greatest fear after hearing that, was the fact that there are other people out there that feel the same way. Though I know it isn’t up to me to go around trying to convince them otherwise.
For anyone reading this who also feels a little bit ‘weird’ or that nobody understands you I want you to know you are not alone. I have craved reading a piece that reinforces this message when I have felt so isolated and decided that I better just write one. And I am not saying that you have to be autistic to feel a bit different sometimes. Autism is not a label that defines me, it is simply an explanation to why I act how I do.
I want being a different, standing out, not fitting in and all in all not being normal (let’s delete that word please) all be our superpowers!
Oh, and for my autistic friends, if you are feeling down let me remind you of some of the most amazing people who have autism:
– Albert Einstein
– Greta Thunberg
– Bill Gates
– Jerry Seinfeld
– ME (if I do say so myself)
Disclaimer: For parents of autistic children who are suffering, I see you and I understand how someone with my privilege, writing about my experience with autism, might look to you. I am simply trying to showcase my experience and let others like me who are told that being different is not okay, SIMPLY ISN’T TRUE!